A couple of weeks ago I went back to my hometown to hang at my parents' house for the weekend. My mom watches Claire for me during the week (and Logan, on his off days from preschool), and since she had a doctor's appointment to go to on Thursday, she went home on Wednesday and took Claire back with her. (Have I mentioned that my hometown is 2 1/2 hours away, and that my mom lives with us during the week so she can take care of the kids? Well, she does. She's like Mary Poppins, but better.) So on Friday I stuffed Logan into the backseat of the mini (van of awesomeness, not to be confused with something cool, like a Mini Cooper) and we made the drive back home to "Pappy's House."
By the time we got there on Friday, Claire was already visiting Dream Town, so I didn't get to see her until the next morning. That morning I came down and scooped her off the floor, kissing her all over her little face. We snuggled on the couch together and eventually she needed a diaper change, so I laid her out on the couch. Diaper changes are a great time to do inspections for new teeth, since you get a fairly good angle at the upper gum area and you can take a visual inventory without shoving your fingers into a protesting little mouth. So when Claire flipped her head back for a squeeeee, I leaned forward to see if I could get a peek at any new teeth that might have appeared during the last few days without me.
Only what I saw, stopped my heart. Cold.
Omigod, omigod, omigodomigodomigodomigod...................
I tried not to look, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. It was horrible. It was like some awful combination of this:
Mixed with a little bit of this, just for fun:
DEARGODINHEAVENWHATISTHISATROCITY?????? Heart pounding, I did what I always do when one of my kids needs medical attention. I screamed for help and then I got the hell out of there.
"MOOOOOOOM!!!!" I yelled, "Come here comehere comeherecomeherecomehere fastfastfastfastfastfastfast!!!"
"WHAT? What is it?" my mom came flying down the stairs. By that time, I was in the other room with my hands over my eyes.
"It's Claire's mouth! Look inside her mouth!! Oh my god, what is it? What is it???? Is it thrush? What is thrush? Is it? Is it? Is that what it is? And I kissed her! I kissed her all over her mouth and now I've got it too! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH get it out!!! Get it out!! It's a mushroom! It's a mushroom growing in her MOUTHOHMYGOD!!!" I screamed at her.
"Heather," my mother said firmly, "calm down. And you don't have to stand twenty feet away. I don't think it's thrush..." Then, digging around in Claire's mouth while I watched in horror from between my fingers, she reached back and....
pulled out a piece of chewed up magazine paper.
Huh. So I guess there's a reason that whole medical school thing never worked out for me after all.
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46 passengers on the bus:
OMG, that's terrible! My kid likes to eat stuff like that too, she finds leaves that the dogs track in and I'm always digging them out of the back of her throat. What's with these kids?
A friend of mine once freaked (similarly to your freaking) and called her husband and almost 911 because her son had a hole in the roof of his mouth. It turns out, his two year old sister shoved a raisin in the three week old's mouth and it was all smushed on the roof of his mouth (which is way better than being wedged in his windpipe).
Glad Claire was ok!
This is now my favorite post.
Screaming for help and getting the help out of there? Sums me up nicely!
Hysterical!
O.M.G. You poor thing! Be happy you were there with your mom and didn't have to have a doc in the ER tell you it was paper.
Gross! Glad it was paper and not anything that required medical attention.
Hahahaha! I am still laughing!!! SO funny!
Your mom is a saint-give her a hug from me-my mom lives five minutes, and I totally depend on her daily...so does my sister with twins. So your mom rocks along with mine!
LOL-glad that you're both okay! Sheesh, kids!
OMG! I so remember freaking out when I would find something in the kids mouths only to have it turn out to be carpet fuzz. Once again, flashbacks for me. Glad it was something benign.
Okay, that NAS-TAY-ass picture was the only thing that showed up large and in charge in my feed reader so I was extra grossed out well before clicking over to read this. ICK!!!
And I have to laugh at your post... this coming from a mom who carried puke through Target! If YOU were freaked out, I can only imagine how bad it was. :)
Glad she's okay.
LOL!
That's awesome.
Ha! I love it. I think all babies love to eat print. It's disgusting tho.
LOLOL. I'm sorry, I laugh b/c that is so me.
My boys ate the wallpaper right off the walls. Gross!
That is so funny! The first thing I thought was thrush, but a piece of magazine paper!! Priceless.
My little guy also likes to eat magazines. It freaks me out a bit.
That's awesome that your mom watches your kids. That sounds like a great arrangment for your family. Hope the rest of the visit was good.
I hope it was, at least, a food magazine. Maybe a cooking one? ;)
That is HILARIOUS. I needed a good laugh this morning and I sure got it. I'm still crying from laughing so hard!
Hilarious and gross!! I am glad it wasn't thrush though... seriously!
OMG! I cannot stop laughing... I have done this to Madeline so many times. Crazy how you can love someone so much and be simaltaneously DISGUSTED by them!
You touch poop, You cant handle some questionable mouth gunk? LOL! Im glad nothing is wrong with her!!
I would have totally freaked too. And my husband would have laughed and laughed and laughed some more and then told me "You are a freak!" for the 100th time.
Seriously, so glad she is OK. As you might remember, Jonathan had Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease and that scared the crap out of me, seeing that blister in his mouth!
Hey, I should be working. Gotta go.
Ahhahhahhah!! Too funny. I had a similar reaction one time Xander ate a crayon.
LOL, so glad it was just paper!!!
Ha! Why's your kid eating magazines? Tell her to try carrots---I've really learned to like them lately, and I'm pretty sure it beats magazine paper.
Seriously...Swear to God...I pulled like half a roll of toilet paper out of my daughters nose one day....For a second thought I was pulling a tumor out of her brain....My mother thought it was the funniest thing. Ever.
Oh man those pictures made me picture all kinds of horrible things! My niece had the worst case of thrush EVER last year. So not pretty.
Glad it was only magazine!! (Isn't that an odd thing to say!)
A little knowledge is so dangerous! What the hell is thrush anyway?
It is amazing the things kids can stick in their mouth. Or their ears. And even their nose.
Hahahahahahaa!!! I'm sorry, but I see so much of myself in this that I can't help but laugh. Thrush, huh? Was it People Thrush or Times Thrush?
This was just the laugh I needed this morning!!
Too funny! How wonderful that your mom comes to stay with you during the week! (especially for times like this LOL!)
I just spewed coffee through my nose!!!!
I just spewed coffee through my nose!!!!
That post? Was brilliant! Poor Claire, I bet she wondered what the heck you were freaking out!
Yuck! I had a sort of similar instance the other day involving my boob and some mulch from the school playground. Almost hyperventilated then it fell off (the mulch, not my boob - though that would make for a very interesting story!).
That. Was. Good. My kids will stick anything in their mouths, only because they know they're not supposed to.
So funny! You made me feel like I was there.
And I really love the way...in the middle of your horror...you stopped for a split second to worry about YOURSELF getting it!!!
Gotta love that kind of honesty!
That is so going to be me. Thank goodness for moms!!!
Too funny. Gotta love kids sticking everything under the sun in their mouths. Glad mom was there to calm the situation down. Claire must have wondered "what the hell" when you started freaking out and left the room.
Ok, that cracked me up. Too funny. Nice to know you don't over-react. ;)
Oh, this is the funniest thing I've read in weeks, maybe months...heck, maybe even years. Seriously, funny, funny post. I wonder who Claire will end up talking her cues from you or Grandma?
Laughing so hard! We've all had that panic moment with our kids only to find we are completely overreacting! Or, there's the alternate issue where we don't realize there's a problem until 3 days into their illness and then have to walk around feeling like crap for not being more in tune! It's hard to get it right sometimes!!
Oh the adventures in motherhood!
Mom of magazine paper eater - welcome tot he world of weird stuff kids put in their orafaces - it is not a fun club, lots of craziness and grey hairs are part of the membership - oh and by the way, once you're in, there is no way out - sorry!
You have an award at my place. Come get it before it gets buried under the snow. =D
LOL - so funny. Why do kids like to eat weird stuff? Oh what a heart attack you had, I bet!
Thank heavens your mom was there. Could you imagine that trip to the ER? "Ummm, mam, it is just a piece of magazine" and then hands you a bill for $500 bucks.
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