Two months. As of September 1st it will be two months to the day since I returned from maternity leave. And the question on everyone’s mind, I’m sure, is: When is Heather coming back to work??
Why can’t I get it together? Why am I such a mess? Sure, there’s the sleep deprivation, doubled now since I have two kids who can’t seem to make it through ONE SINGLE NIGHT. (Come on kids, just one night, please? Mommy will buy you a pony, for real.) There are days when I am so tired at work that I just want to put my head on my desk and cry. But I don’t, because of our ridiculous cubicle walls that are only shoulder-level high and the fact that I could literally sit in my chair and smack my neighbor across the face, without even stretching. And because I work with a bunch of men who would flip the freak out if I did. Even with the sleep thing taken into consideration though, I have to wonder where all my drive went. Can 12 weeks really change a person that much?
It’s all come as quite a surprise to me. I didn’t have this problem after my first baby was born. I’ve always been a stellar employee. I just can’t stand for my work to be mediocre. I’m the one whose desk is always caught up and organized. I’m the one who asks my co-workers if they have any work I can do for them. I’ve even taken stacks of jumbled up nonsense off people’s desks without being asked, made sense out of it and returned it, practically tied up with a big, pretty bow. So, hello? Motivation? Any time you feel like showing up again would be good. Preferably at some point before I get fired. I’ve been so brain dead at work lately that over the weekend I did the absolute unthinkable - I went in to the office. Ew, bad mistake, because as soon as I opened up my email I was pummeled with a status request on one of my projects that was assigned to me a month ago…and which I had completely forgotten about. Completely! Forgotten! So unlike me!! And it should have been a done deal by now. Well, needless to say opening up that one email made my head spin so fast that for the next 4 hours I sat at my desk and, uh, blogged.
SEE?? This is what I mean! The old me would have flipped her lid and worked the rest of the weekend to remedy that kind of screw-up. But no, the new me says, “Eh. I’ll think about that on Monday. Hey, as long as I’m here, I might as well check up on my blogroll to see what’s going on out there…oh, and I‘ve been meaning to do this award post for awhile so I should get on that….”
It’s a sad state of affairs. I would be curious to hear from other moms who have gone back to work to see if they had the same issues I’m having? And about how long it lasted? Can I expect to get my drive back….ever?
And then there’s this other issue that‘s been bugging me, the one about going through the whole college thing? An education that took me ten full years post-graduation to pay off? And how if I decide to drop out of the work force or take a job that’s less stressful (is there really anything wrong with wanting to be a professional temp?) then I’m somehow wasting all the time, money and effort I put toward obtaining my degree?
Well, regardless, I’ll be 100% vested in my 401(k) in January and I’d like to make it until March for the annual bonus. After that? I’m not making any promises.
Maybe I’ll fire up a double cheeseburger and fries for you at my next job.
Posted in participation with Jen's Spin Cycle. Wanna play?
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18 passengers on the bus:
Great spin! I think they forgot to tell us becoming a mother means giving up brain cells. Trust me the mediocre job is no better..lol
I work part time in a no brainer job and it's no different so don't trade in the big bucks just yet. ~wink~ I don't think we ever get the brain cells back..lol
I sure did take the $10/hour job after my 3rd baby in 3 years was 9 months old. I couldn't do the drudgery any more. I took a job in a day care center where I could be with them all day and loved it. For a few years...then I headed back into the major work force and am still there. I am so far behind at home I don't know which end is up...but the kids and I do pretty much what we want. I finish my graduate degree in May...they will be 13, 14, and 16---and I will finally do what I want. Now that they need me a little bit less. My 2nd child has autism and he didn't sleep all night until 18 months and now that he's 14 he once again doesn't sleep all night...so I just live in a sleep deprived state and nap a lot. I got used to it :)
This isn't unusual, hon. I don't know exactly how you feel because I have pretty much been a SAHM the whole span of my motherhood, but I will tell you that I have been a PTA president before/during/and after a baby was born and your brain just goes to SHIT for awhile.
I think you're fabulous.
Kirsty: OK, I'm hanging in there for a while, at least. Provided there is no termination, that is!
Jacque: Glad to have you back! Congrats on your graduate degree, wow!
Loralee: Aw, shucks. I think you're pretty fab too.
Where did you drive go? Sweetie, I learned long ago that when you give birth, great globs of your energy and drive are sucked right out of your body and put into the baby. So much of your energy is taken from you and put into your children that it explains how they can dance, dance, dance and bounce, bounce, bounce and talk, talk, talk and go, go, go from morning until night while we stand there looking at them wondering if we've got the energy to brush our own teeth.
I didn't go back to work after having a baby, so I can't really comment on that, but I agree that having the baby just saps all of your energy. You have to have energy to be motivated.
Also, I know what you are saying about feeling like you are wasting your education if you take a job that's less demanding, but look at me! Four degrees and I sit around and read Good Night, Moon all day. It could be worse!
Great spin! Tho I haven't really gone back to work in the 1500 plus days my munchkins have been filling up my days, I have put my toe back in recently. I'll be honest, I really don't have the motivation to do it 'right' any more either. Despite the degrees, laurels, and real sense of pride and accomplishment I received, nothing compares to these moments. I'm hoping you can take the time to make a decision that works for you - you make me laugh every time I read your blog, so *some* of your brain must still be working. GL with the projects and keeping yourself afloat those hours you aren't momming and/or blogging! (Thanx for the compliment on my sweeties, BTW!)
I think you are the blonde me.
You have to be! I used to LIVE my job, then after Sprite was born, I absolutely hated going back to work. I deal with it now, but blogging is a great way to procrastinate. (And you wonder how I sometimes post 3 times a day? Think about it..) Love this post and relate COMPLETELY! You're linked up now and will be linked again on Friday at the deadline. Thanks for playing! I want to see more of your stuff! (Hint. Hint...)
Debbie: Oh my gosh, truer words never spoken! That's exactly how I feel at the end of the day!
Jen: The blonde you!! I'll rock that compliment any day of the week!
I am totally on the bus and wrote about it on my blog
Ode-to-Ridingtheshortbus
http://colepack.blogspot.com/
I lost my motivation for my job and the only cure was finding a different job with the same company. I lost all desire to keep up with work. My priorities had seriously changed. I didn't care about "working for the customers" anymore. Forget 'em. They weren't who I was going home to and had nothing to do with cuddling with my baby or watching him grow.
Who cared.
I'm kinda of still there....and wish I could stay at home with my little guy. Especially after today. Today totally sucked. Suuuucked with the bigest "s" eva'.
Oh my....I have so been there. I was wonder woman after baby number one, and a total mess after baby number two and I took four years off to stare at her. Went back to work when she was four and felt pretty good about it by then. But, boy oh boy, I wouldn't trade those early days for anything in the world! Great post...very truthful and made me remember way back when and the joy of two tiny ones in the house. You will make the right decision for you...I can just tell!
I'm impressed that you still had your drive after your first baby...I've been back to work a little over a year now after my daughter was born, and I am definitely a different employee. I'm working on a blog post about it (trying not to work on it too much at work, ha!) but I think for me the biggest thing is the birth of my daughter reinforced for me how important family is, and I'm just not willing to sacrifice that anymore...great post!
I can't help you out with the motivation thing - as I don't have any kids and I'm not even as remotely motivated as you once were - I too, would rather blog all day - but sadly, my dog doesn't work so I'm responsible for all the bills!!
But, I can offer you this - if you do find yourself snoozing at your desk and they "catch" you - be sure to say "in Jesus name, Amen" and act like you were praying - they'll leave you alone!!
Good luck!!
WOW, I'm lovin' Shopgirl's advice!
xxwhjw
honestly - the only reason I am working is so hubby can finish his degree which should be soon!! (like within the next 5 - 6 months) once he is done, he is going to get a job so I can stay home with the kiddies - I hate being away from them and working at dead end jobs that don't do anything ti stimulate my brain.
and I can agree with Kirsty about the brain cells - even my professor told me that 2 weeks ago when I submitted a "weird" assignment
I've been a Mom for almost 7 years and am drawn to reading other peoples lives in blogs...I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's a cross between a soap opera and a good book.
Just a word of warning: Be careful what you write about work...I've read more lately of peoples bosses finding their employees bloggs and firing them for just mentioning them in the blog. "Dad Gone Mad" and "Dooce" had that issue.
That was me exactly! When my first was born, I thought about going back to work EARLY! When Thing 2 joined the world, I suddenly didn't eat, sleep or (change) poo my work. (Maybe it was the 12 weeks of full bed rest preceding his arrival that changed me!)
Just before returning to work, I started my blog. Then, work became the pefect kid-free place to spew my musings and comment on others.
Tomorrow marks the 1-week anniversary (??? -feels like it's worthy of flowers!) of my departure from corporate America to give this whole motherhood gig the ol' college try.
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